My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
