We won't sleep together?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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