remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
