did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
