2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
