STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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