glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
