in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
