Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
