The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
