Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
MIDGETS
????
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
