its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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