Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
