I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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