i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
