Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
