i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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