Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
