i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
