3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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