She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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