DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Someone signed my nipple.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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