She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
