saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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