So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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