i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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