dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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