It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
