Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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