I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
