What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
