I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
