I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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