So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
