dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...