A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.