How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
