I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
