Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
