I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
