He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
