I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
