look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
