Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
