You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
