One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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