for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
