Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
