Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it was like having sex with a tree stump
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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