Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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