upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
