when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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