My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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