Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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