I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Even my vagina gasped.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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