so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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