I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
