So drunk its hurt
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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