Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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