What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
